Ellie’s Guide to Your Perfect Post-Breakup Valentine’s Day

This will be the first Valentine’s Day in three years that I’m spending sad, alone and single, so although I might not be the world’s expert in singlehood, my time after my relationship ended has given me enough insight into all you need for your perfect night in.

Whilst your friends in relationships neck each other in the streets and cupid’s arrow of love hovers in the air, I know I, like so many others, will be feeling even worse than ever. Myself, I’ve come out of a relationship that I foolishly thought would last forever, and I’m not relishing the prospect of a Valentine’s Day alone whilst my ex boyfriend spends it with his new fling.

That’s what I’m writing this – to reach out to all my fellow single pringles out there. Whether you’re newly dumped and upset like me, or cold and hardened by years of singlehood and men and women screwing you over, there is a single lady in all of us.

Warning!: This post may contain high amounts of sarcasm, sass and thinly veiled annoyance to all the happy couples out there (including my ex-boyfriend and the girl he cheated on me with – say hi guys!!)

1: Grab your mates

You can’t underestimate the power of a group of girls scorned. Whether you’re staying in for a night with Netflix, movies and Domino’s pizza or if you’re leaving the house for a night of hitting the city centre, you can’t survive a Valentine’s single if you’re doing it whilst you’re truly alone.

2: Delete social media

I’m going to be the first to hold my hand up and say I’m a hypocrite when it comes to this – but come on. You don’t want to see your friends celebrating their four years together in a fancy restaurant popping up on your Instagram. Snapchat is also a no-go zone, mostly because of the weird guys who will be stalking you to attempt to pry a nude out of your cold, dead little fingers, but also because couples won’t stay off there too.

3: Eat whatever you want

Forget Christmas, Valentine’s Day is a more important day to be stuffing your face. Either take your friends out for a dinner date to Nandos or avoid any chance of seeing any happy couples by staying in and ordering takeaway to your door. You never know, you could find love with the delivery driver, but remember, a date is for life not just for Valentine’s Day!

[n.b. this is not me recommending that you marry your Deliveroo driver, this is me making a reference that didn’t quite work]

4: Voodoo dolls

I did say there would be sarcasm heavily involved in this. Killing people is illegal, no matter how much you hate your ex’s new girlfriend.

Who hurt you last? Was it that guy from Tinder, that dick that groped your arse in the bar last week, or your ex boyfriend who moved on less than two weeks after splitting up with you? Well, this is your time to take out your anger in a healthy way.

Taking a time-honoured tradition from our feminine forefathers, make an effigy of your chosen hated person and stick a needle right through where their ballsack/vagina would be. Anger is healthy, when it’s expressed in a way that doesn’t mimic Joe from You.

Basically, don’t kill anyone, no matter how much you may want to.

5: You’re allowed to be sad

This is the most important rule of them all. No matter how much sarcasm and energy I inject into this post, I know that, come Friday, I’ll be feeling the pain of singlehood more than ever before. I wish I could say that I was an old veteran of this, but having your heart broken is pretty much universal enough for me to say that I can feel your pain.

No matter how you want to spend your Valentine’s Day, don’t let anyone make you feel inferior for being stag whilst they go out with their long time beau. Put yourself first, watch Bridget Jones, and if you need to cry, then cry.

Just remember, you might be lonely, but you’re never alone.

By Ellie

metalhead, bibliophile, and lover of odd words. most often found with a pile of revision and a mess of used Doctor Who mugs.

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